A new year, a new start.

12 Jan

I haven’t blogged much in the past month or so, for a few reasons. I won’t go into all the details, but I’ll fill you in on a few. The word perfectionism has been thrown around in my head for the past few years, but I never truly understood it until recently. Blogging is a dangerous tool for me, because it allows me to project a perfect life, a perfect me. I never lie in my blogs, but I’d never share the bad stuff in my life, and the absence of bad is good, all good = perfection. Also, a huge part of my blog was on the vegan diet, and as a perfectionist, I always want things… Perfect. The only thing that I can control 100% without any fear of change is food, so veganism allowed me to be 100% perfect at something, and I got a lot of power out of that, in a twisted way. Anyways, I had this breakdown where I realized I’m either passionate about something, or completely passive about it, and I just wanted to be MODERATE! I began to think that I didn’t even know how to think! Etc. All of this led me to therapy, AND I can honestly say it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Before I go into what I’ve learned through therapy (that really has changed me!) I want to write a quick side note. On CBC radio a few weeks ago they were doing a documentary about 20-30 year olds living at home. According to their statistics 1 in 4 20 somethings living in canada are living at their parents homes rent free. Now there were a number of economic reasons as to why these twenty year olds couldn’t afford living on there own, but one social change reason really stood out to me. Three or four decades ago the self discovery stage of young adults was between the ages of 15-21. In these years, the teenager would find out who they were, what they liked, what they wanted, and would start to carve out a path for their lives. Today the self discovery stage is from 15-30 years old! Now by definition, the self discovery stage is quite a selfish stage. When you’re figuring out what you like, what you want, what your plans are, chances are you don’t care at all about what’s going on in the rest of the world, let alone your own family, but as humans we all need a little time (emphasis on little) to figure out who we are before we set out to live it. In the past few years, I’ve been quite self absorbed, and very inconsiderate of the people around me, all for finding out who I was, and I feel like I’ve learnt a lot of lessons, kind of got a grasp on what I’m about, but man, I’m ready to move on. It’s hard always thinking about yourself and learning lessons, lessons usually have pain involved. I feel like this counselling that I’ve been going through sort of caps off my self discovery stage (which is fitting as I’m getting married this year!!!) and allows me to move on, validated as a creative person, but also passionate for other people, the planet, and not just myself.

After a week or two of tears, and not really knowing what was reasonable or unrealistic, my mom brought home a counselling pamphlet from her work. She gets free counselling for herself and anyone of her children until there 21, so I jumped on the offer. I called and was able to set up an appointment with a counsellor the next week. What I’ve gone through has been so powerful and validating that I’d recommend it to anyone going through there self discovery stage that just wants to know a bit more
about who they are before they move on.

My therapist took an in depth look at who I was and started to point out to me where I felt defeated, where I felt good, how I liked to thing, that other people didn’t necessarily think that way etc. God is amazing because my therapist not only has a similar brain profile as me (a brain profile outlines where your strong and weak points are in your right and left brain, I’m very right brained (creative and an introverted social, with a low analytical score in the left and a high organizational score in the left… Anyways) but she’s also an art therapist, and has the same spiritual beliefs as me (Christian). It’s been amazing to work with her. I’ve really been able to see more of who I am as an artist, and see my perfectionistic tendancies as just that, I can tend to be that way, but I don’t have to be, I have to allow myself to make mistakes, and not hide them, because I’m human, and all humans are flawed.

It’s been an incredible and exhilerating experience.

I feel ready to move on, and excited about life. I’ve written 2 new songs since December, gotten 6 new piano students, crocheted numerous scarfs, and written a rhyming childrens story, and it’s all from realizing how my brain works! It’s amazing!

As far as veganism is concerned. I gave up right as soon as I discovered that maybe I was only vegan because I could be perfect at it, but there was still a part of me that couldn’t eat pigs or lambs, because they were too cute. Then shortly after Christmas I felt like I’d rather just be vegetarian because I really believe in the health benefits of not consuming animal protein, and I love not eating other creatures.

So that’s a bit about whats been going on.  I’m going to be starting another experiment that I’ll be blogging about in the next couple of days which I’m rather excited about!



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