How it was, and how it is.

10 Nov

For the past  couple of days I’ve been digging into some memories of my past and seeing how they’ve shaped my life.  What I found was incredibly discomforting, but I’m hoping that it is going to help me get better.

A couple of days ago I was reading a Douglas Coupland book called, “Life After God,” and the way it’s written was terribly honest, and bleak.  For some reason this inspired me to write about my past with the same honesty and bleakness.  A lot of memories aren’t fuzzy and warm.

I started writing about times when I was five when I was humiliated, alone, embarrassed, in trouble, etc, and I was shocked.  I’ve thought about these moments in my life quite often, but never deeply, let alone writing them out.  I started crying well writing, and I realized that these memories may have gone a lot deeper than I thought.

There were several times when I was super young that I remember thinking to myself, “I’ll never be humiliated again,” or, “I’ll never get in trouble again,” or, “I’ll never make a mistake again,” which are horrible promises to make to yourself, because you set yourself up for incredible failure.

I listed the things that I thought were failures of my recent past, and a lot of them could be thought down to my fear of humiliation, getting in trouble, or making mistakes.  I hope this makes sense :S but I feel like knowing this, and being able to work through these things, I might be able to get over my fear of messing up.

I feel like my artsy side has really suffered because of my fear of failure, and I really want to pursue it without worrying about what will happen.

What will happen if I’m not afraid of failure?

I’m inspired and excited.

Peace.

P.S I highly recommend reading the book as well.  It’s really interesting and beautiful.

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